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Recently I’ve been on a downward spiral ever since I got laid off my last job. Even though I am receiving unemployment benefits I feel like I am losing my mind. I went from working seventy two hours a week to working none. I’ve tried to make the best of it, tried using my free time to teach myself how to code and get back to writing, but it has been extremely difficult. For some unknown reason I blank out when about to write, even though my mind is raging with so many ideas and thoughts.

I started trying to make EDM track using Ableton Live and a keyboard that I bought at Guitar Center. At first it was like meditating, but even that became a nuisance with time. I would lie on the floor and mess with plugins and all kinds of things. I made a few tracks using samples that I had bought years ago. But as time would tell I stopped doing all that completely. When I stopped doing all of that I started watching lectures from Carl Jung and Alan Watts. I would put on my studio headset and just let them rip… always listening to what kind of message would come through. But even that with time fell apart.

I kept going back to the past, kept reliving old memories of when I used to be happy with a loved one. Unfortunately before I went to work in the oil fields, I made the attempt to rekindle what I once had with my last ex. They say they are exes for a reason, but I have known this woman for almost fifteen years, and we’ve been through ups and downs and times where neither one of us was ready for a commitment. So I told her that I was getting old and that I didn’t want to keep looking around, I knew I wanted to be with her and I didn’t mind that she had two kids already from other men. That didn’t bother me at all, as a matter of fact that would have been great because I have no children of my own and probably can’t have any.

She agreed and while I was away everything looked promising. I got stuck out there working three weeks straight and little by little I started noticing certain behavioral patterns. I never told her anything about them, but I noticed that she would only text when at work and when she got home she would completely shut off. That struck a chord; I wasn’t going to assume anything but I wasn’t going to not think of it. My mind immediately told me that was a sign that she was either seeing someone else or she had someone else. Later time would reveal the latter. I’m guessing she had gotten back with her baby’s daddy in an attempt to reconcile differences and the fact that they had a kid together. That really broke me inside for a long time. It took me months before I simply accepted the fact that it was over and her putting me in a third party situation was an all-time low. Not only that but she had the audacity to put him on the phone and create an unnecessary situational conflict.

Time passed on by and I worked as hard as  I could, out there in the cold loading hydrochloric acid into tankers and all other kinds of hard labor. Pay was good, and the hours were excellent. Once I accepted my reality the idea of her began to slowly fade. It wasn’t until a year later, I’m assuming her little charade didn’t go as planned, and she decided to contact me once again. This time she posted something on my Facebook profile. Like a sucker I replied and accepted her offer to have lunch on two occasions. Can’t really beat an old horse, because I immediately remember how she played me and I cut her out. She told me that she just wanted to say hi and other non-sense. You might think it was trivial of me of how I acted, but I told her that I was dead to her. She should accept that things would never EVER be the same.

And up to date I haven’t been the same. Those old ass memories just brought more pain than feelings of happiness. Life has a tricky way of trying to piss you off. And now I found myself being unable to do anything as if my life had come to a complete stop. I mustered enough will to get out of the house more, to go visit friends and family. And that has been really comforting. The only thing bothering me now is trying to get a job that pays well and will allow me to realize my sub-dreams. I have these small goals that I want to accomplish, and the only way I can is to get back on the horse and make that moolah. The only thing that sucks about my small city is that pay is not that great. Maybe I should go back to the oilfield, even though it slowed down a lot lately. Or maybe… guess I’ll just have to take it a day at a time and find what makes me tick.