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I can’t believe that after all these years I can still go back and rehash old wounds. I guess that for some reason I keep holding onto them even though they offer no real value other than keeping the bad memories ticking and the unconscious grudges alive.

I must have been about ten when I got a good look into what life would truly offer. After we moved into the U.S., I struggled to maintain my composure with the new kids at my new school. After all I was born and partially raised in a very aggressive area. It might not have been as bad as it has been during that past ten years with all the cartel violence and what not, but it certainly wasn’t as easy as it is here. I knew how to fight and I did not fare well with bullies, so when these new kids wanted to bully me they got a taste of harsh reality. Almost every week my parents would get notes from my teachers and I would get a good ass whoopin’. But that’s not entirely what scarred me for years to come; it was when my mother decided to sign a paper giving permission to the school staff to discipline me that everything changed.

One day, while playing with some of my new friends this fat kid pushed me and started a fight. I whooped his ass hard because I had grown up in an environment where one didn’t put up with much. This little fucken bully had the audacity to not own up to his shitty behavior when the teachers separated us. I remembered how he cried and said I was the one who caused the whole situation. And none of my new friends stepped up and vouched for me. The teacher took me to the principal’s office; what transpired next is one of the worst things I’ve encountered in my life. It wasn’t even the fact that I got spanked with a wooden board, it was the fact that the other kid who started everything didn’t even get in trouble. It was the grim fact that there was no justice.

I was furious. Life had failed me for the first time; the sour taste of what was to come couldn’t have been more profound that day. I didn’t stick around to play after school, I simply walked straight home and locked myself in my bedroom. That was the first time that I actually got pissed at my mom and didn’t talk to her for probably two weeks. I held to grudges for a long time back when I was younger. I just couldn’t comprehend as to how my mom would set me up like that. Of course my mom raised hell, but that wouldn’t satisfy my need for satisfaction. The deed was done and nothing could bring me back to normalcy. Eventually my mom apologized to me and I started talking to her again. After time went by I oppressed that memory until I finally accepted that life wasn’t fair and I would be alright.

At an older I realized that my mother wasn’t at fault. There was no way she would have known something like this would happen. In retrospect, I think she really thought it was a good idea. No one can really foretell all the possible bad outcomes that can come out of any situation. At times even really good ideas or intentions produce bad outcomes for some or many. It is the nature of the beast; but at that time, as a young kid I really felt as if life had failed me. After I became more aware of how things were I started seeing how messed up life can really be. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that my childhood was super bad or worse than others, I am just saying that life has been at many times very disappointing.

And so life kept on, trying to keep me down as long as it could and it almost kept me down forever at times, but I somehow got back up and dusted my shoulders. I can’t blame life for the bad decisions I’ve made, I only blame it for the injustices it allows to happen especially when they involve me. I’ve wondered at times how some people cope with reality. I find it fascinating when a few people go through really messed up things in life and still keep a positive demeanor. I’ve told myself at times to fake it, but when you take off that mask you were around your friends and relatives, it’s just you and all those feelings of dread. What do you do then? How do you cope? The way I did it is possibly unhealthy as I only tried to oppress them and ignore them until they disappeared. But they don’t really go away, do they?